In preparation for one of history’s closest World Series Championships and craziest US presidential seasons since Bonzo went to Bitburg in 1985, the White House today declared a shortage of popcorn “a clear and present danger to the American way of life, second only to a shortage of Mac and Cheese and/or possibly Mallomars”.

Consumers queuing for corn dogs in several states were pushed back yesterday by NRA-sponsored personal hygiene patrols as undocumented children and newly arrived Cuban knuckleballers alighted buses into football stadiums to scrape flour from Hebrew Nationals in the hope of kneading the vitamin-rich nutrition back into kernel form.

Meanwhile Australia, the United States’ closest ally after Kazakhstan, this morning impounded a cruise ship fleet just docked in Melbourne, Victoria, refitting all with launch pads for Sikorsky Jolly Green Giants and then emptied Aldi supermarkets of shrink-wrapped Light ’n’ Buttered microwavable popcorn. The fleet is set to depart at midnight.

An attempt was made to secure similar stocks from Australia’s two largest supermarket chains, Coles and Woolworths but it was soon discovered neither kept reliable consumables on shelf anymore, though you can buy pet insurance.

The United Nations Security Council, having recently ratified UNESCO’s finding that King Solomon was a Shiite, currently sits in emergency session. Will the world’s leaders join Australia in helping the US people at their time of greatest peril? Will Game of Thrones see another season?

Meanwhile naked pre-cooked Hebrew National wieners are being used as weatherproof cladding in a new generation of NINA-funded housing estates.

Said one State Department official via email, “Surprisingly, they fit the Kyoto Protocol’s sustainability definition remarkably well. There’s nothing wrong with our Wiener.”

© Adam Parker 2016. You’ve just read a Parkerpinion.
Photo Credit: © 2016 Jeff Dimand.