The noise surrounding the US Election has been so intense it’s impossible to know what to worry about. So here, for your paranoiac relief, I provide the top ten real fears of a Trump Presidency.

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1. He’ll ban the letters C, H and R from the federal alphabet.

2. From December 25, 2017, Americans will celebrate Istmas.

3. This isn’t so much an issue for Jewish people as Anuka still sounds like Chanukah—and many can’t pronounce the “CH” anyway.

4. After building the Great Wall of Trump he’ll hire Mexicans for maintenance, being larger than the Sydney Harbour Bridge it will take three years to paint end to end and that will cost a lot.

5. To placate Muslims after his bid to ban them, he’ll build his next hotel/condo complex at DC’s Lafayette Park in the shape of the Kaaba with a touch of glitz.

6. He’ll make a deal with the Chinese for South China Sea casino rights in return for naming their new archipelago “Mar Key Largo Grando Trumpo”.

7. He’ll hire the Beach Boys to sing a rewritten “Kokomo” at the opening of Mar Key Largo Grando Trumpo; the Beach Boys will finally disband prior unable to find a rhyme.

8. He’ll enter into a size competition with Vladimir Putin using America’s nuclear missiles as phallic metaphors. “We’ll have the biggest nukes in the world,” he’ll say. “And I don’t mean in number, I mean they’ll be so huge. So huge, the silos will reach down to Beijing.”

9. He’ll demand all males adopt his hairdo but unlike North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, he’ll first need MIT to produce a replicable blueprint.

10. He won’t actually ban the letter R after all, realising he’d just be known as “Pesident Tump” and the word “Demorat” is amusing.

© 2016 Adam Parker. You’ve just read a Parkerpinion.

Main picture: DC rooftop, author’s photo.